Final Draft

Houston, We Have a Problem (Spoiler Alert: it’s YOU!)

 “Bye mom! I’m gonna go to Sarah’s house now”

“Wait up honey. It’s 0 degrees you should probably wear a jacket. You don’t want to catch a cold”

“Don’t worry mom. I’ll be fine. It’s not too bad out there”

You can all probably guess what happened to me the next morning. A very rude awakening: a nose running faster than Usain Bolt, a throat so dry the Sahara desert is envious and a headache so strong that Advil Extra Strength is helpless. I caught a cold from the cold. How ironic. Now I know what you’re probably thinking: are you really sure you got sick from being outside with no jacket? No. I’m not sure because I’m not a doctor. I’m an angsty teen who decided not to wear a jacket in February. I screwed myself over. Then, to make matters worse, I beat myself up for an entire week for making that horrible decision. It’s self-deprecation at its finest. I screw myself over and then I blame myself for it. I’d like to think I’m a relatively smart girl. So why didn’t I wear my jacket?

Let me introduce you to a concept we probably all know far too well: self-sabotage. Ah the beauty of knowing you’re doing something wrong, but you do it anyways! It’s like when we know we have to wake up at 7am the next morning to get to school, but we decide to pull an all-nighter. We know that is most definitely the worst possible decision we can make, but it doesn’t stop us from staying up all night binge-watching Friends on Netflix while shoving our faces with popcorn and M&Ms.

I’ve come to learn that there are actually many psychological explanations as to why we engage in self-sabotage, some of which are shocking. According to Ph.D Ellen Hendrisken in her Psychology Today article titled “Why Do We Self-Sabotage?”, we all want control. Even if you know you’re about to do something wrong, it’s nice to know it is you who is making that decision, and not somebody else. I recently went out for a night of drinking and fun (or so I thought) to celebrate my friend’s birthday. I was actually having a pretty good time until Sarah, the birthday girl herself, pulls me aside sobbing hysterically. I’m talking the whole shebang: runny nose, hyperventilating and black mascara dripping down her face. She tells me that she broke up with Chad (aka her long-time boyfriend of a whole one month). She says things started to get a bit rocky between them and she wanted to be the one to call things off before he did. I nearly laughed in her face! Why would she break up with her boyfriend when she’s not certain that he would break up with her? I suppose Hendrisken is right in suggesting that we as individuals feel as though it’s better to screw ourselves over because at least we are the ones in control.

I’m sure we’ve all heard the phrase, “sleep is for the weak”. I always found it funny because those who actually believe it are probably the most sleep deprived, cranky and unmotivated people to exist. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention demonstrates that 70% of high school students don’t get enough sleep. I can’t think of one friend at the top of my head who succeeds in getting 8-10 hours of sleep every night. On a good day, I’ll get 9 hours of sleep and I feel like a new woman. I’m like Sleeping Beauty who just awoke from her slumber to find her prince charming hovering over her. Free of a pounding headache and an irritable mood, I’ll make my way to my Keurig to fix up a hot coffee. Not because I need it, but because I want it. Next, I’ll make myself a delicious breakfast: eggs cooking on the stove and toast burning in the toaster – a gourmet meal made by yours truly. I’ll then go to eat it in my room while I get started on completing any homework or assignments I have for that day. Now, it may seem like that morning routine is taken from a Disney fairy tale, but I swear some people are actually able to wake up feeling rejuvenated and are productive with their lives! I know, what a concept.

Lauren F. Friedman calls the non-sleeping beauties of our world “sleepless sufferers”.  In case the name isn’t self-explanatory, that basically involves anyone who has difficulty getting into bed. Let’s not forget about the “bedtime procrastinators” which are people who are tired and know they should be in bed, but are pre-occupied doing other tasks. Nothing is really preventing bedtime procrastinators to go to sleep since they are choosing to do other things rather than sleeping.

Researcher Joel Anderson poses an important yet complicated question: “why is it that people fail to do what they know is good for them to do?”. Individuals procrastinate undesirable tasks (such as doing homework), but sleep is usually desirable because it makes us feel good. Therefore, why do we put it off? If I’m being honest here, I’m not totally sure how to answer Anderson’s question. If I knew, I wouldn’t be sitting here working on this feature story at 3 in the morning. In all seriousness though, this question has been haunting me. I believe the answer comes back to the same explanation: self-sabotage. I know I should be sleeping more. I know I’ll hate myself the next day for clicking “play next episode” on my Netflix account at 2 in the morning… but I do it anyways. It’s almost as if I can’t help myself. It feels like a subconscious effort. And quite frankly, I’m sick of it. So, have no fear, I’ve discovered some ways to be more aware of our self-sabotaging behaviors as well as some ways to potentially stop them all together. 

The famous Latin phrase “carpe diem” encourages individuals to stay present in the moment, to appreciate the things we have and to never procrastinate doing what we want because our time is limited. This is the magical solution to our problem. I know, it’s cheezy and honestly a bit morbid to think that life can end at any moment. However, it truly did give me a new perspective on how to live my life. It reminds me of an experience I had in the early winter of 2019 with my psychologist: I sink into the cushions on the faux-leather couch. She tells me to close my eyes and to focus on my breath. To be present in this moment. Her voice eventually fades and I’m left alone with my body floating in time and space. I hear the clock ticking. I feel my shoulders loosening. I see darkness with a hint of light peering through my closed eye lids. I open my eyes to see my psychologist looking back at me. I feel good. I feel powerful. All my anxieties and overwhelming thoughts melt away. I stand up from the couch and feel weightless, like a bag floating in the air being carried by the wind. I’m ready to take on the day. By taking a step back and allowing myself to just be in the present moment, it made me realize that I need to be kinder to myself and to look out for my future self. Meditation is not meant for everyone, but have an open mind and try it out!

It’s important to stop blaming ourselves for things which are out of our control, but to start holding ourselves accountable and owning up to our mistakes. An article by Elizabeth Howes titled “Why We Turn to Self-Blame and How to Release Ourselves From It” explains that our limbic system, which controls our emotional and behavioral responses, has self-deprecation fixed into our nervous system. Thoughts such as “I’m not good enough” or “everybody hates me” are easily triggered by our limbic system. By looking at those thoughts as stories our brain tells us, we can learn to live peacefully with them. Some thoughts are positive, some are negative. It is okay to have those negative thoughts, but it’s crucial to learn how to properly respond to them. By freeing ourselves from our negative thoughts, we can free ourselves from our self-sabotaging behaviors. By thinking we are worthless, we give ourselves permission to screw ourselves over. Look at your life as a television. There’s multiple channels. Each channel has a different show which tells a different story. You hold the remote. You decide which story you want to partake in. You don’t like the episode? Change the channel. You control your thoughts. You control your actions.

I, along with many of you, are probably now wondering “will I continue to self-sabotage?”. Knowing what I know now, I would like to say that it will happen less often. But I’d be naïve to say I’ll never do it again. Sometimes you make a wrong decision, but the trick is to learn how to better respond towards the outcomes of those decisions. Rather than letting my mind race to thoughts such as “you’re so stupid” or “you’re worthless”, I’ll stay present in the moment and pull myself out of the self-blame downward spiral. I’ll take control over my thoughts and switch the channel in my brain. So, will I screw myself over again? Yes. I’m human and I’m bound to make more mistakes in the future. But will I work on ways to avoid doing it so often and learn to better respond towards those situations? Yes. And most importantly, will I wear a jacket next time when it’s 0 degrees Celsius mid-winter? You bet I will!